A Helping Hand

tip jar (9.38 / 8)

Didn't really want to post this, but I figured I hadn't contributed any original content lately, and you all know me by now.


Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

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by: puzzled @ Wed Dec 14, 2011 at 16:57:03 PM UTC

Wow. (7.60 / 5)

Except for needing the pep talk part and asking for help (snark alert), and oh yeah, the gender part, this describes me to a T.  Now I really know why the stuff you write makes so much sense.

In a democracy, citizens get the government they deserve.  Scary, ain't it.  

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by: Phronesis @ Wed Dec 14, 2011 at 22:39:43 PM UTC

thanks (6.50 / 2)

this wasn't the easiest thing I've ever written.  I appreciate the kind words.

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

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by: puzzled @ Wed Dec 14, 2011 at 23:07:08 PM UTC

[ Parent ]

Misanthropes untie (7.50 / 4)

We could be twins, except I already have one, so that would make me a triplet. I get it. My close relationships tend to fizzle, or rather collapse under the weight my...I dunno...lack of ability to maintain close personal relationships. And I hate hate hate asking for help. So I know how you feel. Both in acknowledging that you needed it, and asking for it. Good for you. It's taken me years sometimes between acknowledging that I need it and actually seeking help.

Thanks for writing this. I should probably accept it as a lesson. But I probably won't. I don't want to talk with anybody about anything.  

to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance .  G. Washington

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by: Kane in CA @ Thu Dec 15, 2011 at 03:06:10 AM UTC

yeah (11.00 / 4)

this was one of the more painful things I've done, but have since run across at least one other person in the exact situation, who found it helped him.

I never talk to anyone about anything either, which is why this totally threw me for a loop.  But this experience has totally transformed me in ways I can't even describe in the 2 weeks since it happened.  I am free, I am at peace, and I am happier than I've been in ages.

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

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by: puzzled @ Thu Dec 15, 2011 at 18:16:48 PM UTC

[ Parent ]

me too (10.00 / 4)

Oddballs and outcasts! United we will stand and overturn the normals.

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by: oldtomblood @ Thu Dec 15, 2011 at 17:04:25 PM UTC

I don't ask for help much. (3.25 / 4)

I guess I give off an independent and capable vibe, so I tend to help others more than ask for help...

But things are just bad and shitty and wrong and awful and terrible and annoying, with sparks of alright and a couple of pretty terrific things.  I have had some kind of pain every day for weeks, and since I have sworn off all food additives and chemicals and nitrates and sulfates and artificial ingredients eating has become annoying and frustrating.

I don't even like those little donettes that taste waxy, but last night in the grocery store I just wanted one because I can't.  Stupid but true.

And I feel like I have been yelling for help and asking for help and needing help and everyone seems to think I am doing just fine and I am coping, when really I am so stressed I can't make even the most basic decision......

It should be easier.

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by: Joools @ Thu Dec 15, 2011 at 19:52:47 PM UTC

Joooools (0.00 / 0)

(couple of extra 'o's there for ya).  I'm so sorry.  Just medical, or other stuff, too?

Have you tried Mayo?  They're pretty awesome.    

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

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by: puzzled @ Thu Dec 15, 2011 at 20:18:35 PM UTC

[ Parent ]

Yeah. (2.00 / 1)

That's one of the problems.  I cannot get myself to make an appointment with any kind of doctor.

There's lots of other shit happening, too, my parents are not doing well at all and my siblings and I are trying to deal with that.

My husband is in his first year of teaching, which is hard and time consuming.  I am used to him being senior enough in his jobs that I could depend on him to help me deal with stuff sometimes, and now he's unavailable from 7 to 5.

I think a big part of it, I think, is that the year my husband was in Iraq (2009, I think), was a completely awful year and I had no support among the Army people on Ft Rich.  My husband went over there as an "individual agumentee" -- doncha love Armyspeak? -- and so I didn't have the unit support I should have, and the senior spouses that were my peers just didn't seem to like me much.  There were so many times that I had mildly or pretty damn unpleasant interactions with people that I just got worn down and don't want to do it any more.

One of the more entertaining problems I have had lately is that the 15 year old Suburban I love was dead an hour from home.  Nothing at all happened when I turned the key...until I slammed the hood.  Then everything was swell (or as swell as it can be with a 15 yo vehicle with just shy of 200.000 miles on it...).  Happened twice and hasn't happened again.  

We seem to have found a good school for my daughter, at least...and she is getting straight A's, even in Honors Algebra 2.  Don't know where those math skills came from, definitely were not in my genes...

It should be easier.

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by: Joools @ Thu Dec 15, 2011 at 21:39:05 PM UTC

[ Parent ]

sorry (5.00 / 1)

I hate it when all the crap rains down at once.  If there's anything I can do (like facilitate an appt. in Rochester) e-mail me.

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

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by: puzzled @ Thu Dec 15, 2011 at 22:13:25 PM UTC

[ Parent ]

Ask. (11.00 / 2)

It's almost a joke coming from me, but I'm encouraging you to ask.  Sometimes "help" is just being able to unload to another human.  It's so hard going it alone.  I do it.  Too many of us do it.  But, I know there are almost no times when I do feel so vulnerable and the walls come down, talking to someone is so freeing.  You can feel the release in an almost physical way.

Maybe nothing can directly change the trials you are experiencing now, but we were meant to communicate. It's why we have that added dimension to our body of the living.

My best to you.  

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live”--Oscar Wilde

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by: Cathy @ Sat Dec 17, 2011 at 21:00:59 PM UTC

[ Parent ]

this is longish.... (11.00 / 3)

Your experience brought me back to this poem.

MENDING WALL
Robert Frost

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,
And spills the upper boulders in the sun,
And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.
The work of hunters is another thing:
I have come after them and made repair
Where they have left not one stone on a stone,
But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,
To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,
No one has seen them made or heard them made,
But at spring mending-time we find them there.
I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;
And on a day we meet to walk the line
And set the wall between us once again.
We keep the wall between us as we go.
To each the boulders that have fallen to each.
And some are loaves and some so nearly balls
We have to use a spell to make them balance:
'Stay where you are until our backs are turned!'
We wear our fingers rough with handling them.
Oh, just another kind of out-door game,
One on a side. It comes to little more:
There where it is we do not need the wall:
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
He only says, 'Good fences make good neighbors'.
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
'Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it
Where there are cows?
But here there are no cows.
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offence.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down.' I could say 'Elves' to him,
But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather
He said it for himself. I see him there
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me~
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father's saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."

We build walls, we tear them down, we build them again.

Some walls are magic - now steel, now mist - as we will them so.

And sometimes we encounter our own hunters and frost heaves that open gaps at just the right place, just the right time.

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by: danl318 @ Fri Dec 16, 2011 at 13:33:06 PM UTC

perfect (0.00 / 0)

You never cease to amaze me.  Always know the right thing to say at the right time.  I hadn't thought of this poem in years, but it truly is one of my favorites.

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

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by: puzzled @ Fri Dec 16, 2011 at 16:01:19 PM UTC

[ Parent ]

Yeah, I can't relate at ALL. (5.00 / 1)

Pffffffft.

Big hug, Puzz.

--7.88, --6.56      If I can't rant, I don't want to be part of your revolution.

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by: Maryscott O'Connor @ Fri Dec 16, 2011 at 22:11:09 PM UTC

Puzzled (5.00 / 1)

Reading this post was odd for me because I see you so much differently than you describe yourself. I've always thought of you as the friendly person that helps hold this community together with your regular participation and reaching out to people.

Thanks for sharing this.

PS Loved the part about the window.  

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by: dknow @ Sat Dec 17, 2011 at 02:26:20 AM UTC

thanks, dknow (0.00 / 0)

I appreciate the kind words.  I am probably, as most of us are, my own harshest critic.

But I also know that the internet lends itself well to a large number of shallow interactions, where it's easy to show the parts of yourself you deem fit for public consumption, and hide those you'd rather keep to yourself.

Like I intimated, I am a work in progress. :-)


Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

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by: puzzled @ Sat Dec 17, 2011 at 03:15:35 AM UTC

[ Parent ]

Me too :) (7.00 / 1)

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by: dknow @ Sat Dec 17, 2011 at 05:17:39 AM UTC

[ Parent ]

Like everything else, just use with care. (10.00 / 2)

I'm so ridiculously private it borders on neurotic.  The things I think about not sharing are so insignificant.  I have always hated asking for help and still do.  But, I have found through the years on the internet about a half dozen people I consider very dear to me and extending that, about a dozen I would trust as much as the cherished half dozen.

That's the thing about the internet.  You've just got to know with whom you're dealing. Being a great judge of character is a plus and I'd say a must.  But, my experience tells me I've been right to confide as I have with that treasured, limited number of people I've come in contact with through the internet.

You'll no doubt always feel those people in the treasured column "get" you. And as sudden as this person appeared and got you through a rough spot, you'll want to be sure that whatever is exchanged is genuine between both of you, for the same purposes, and that you're always on the same page.

I believe that authenticity is as possible through electronic communication as sitting in a room.  But, it does depend on the user across the board.

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live”--Oscar Wilde

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by: Cathy @ Sat Dec 17, 2011 at 19:49:57 PM UTC

Puzzled? (8.67 / 3)

Thanks for this.  I think it took a lot for you to confide this to us but you've opened up a discussion that I think is really important.  Interconnection between people and how best to add these relationships to your life in a rewarding meaningful way. Additionally, you expressed the private needs that we don't always share but sometimes will be rewarded immensely if we dare to be human and find the connection that makes us feel less critical of our own human weakness and rather accepting of it as the ultimate challenge:  How to conquer our humanness in a way that serves us and others for the good.

I think in the end it's about knowing who you are, first and foremost. Know what you need.  Know what serves you best.  And personal growth in giving back.  And knowing when your energy and sensiblities are not served well and moving right along because there are some things we'll never change.

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live”--Oscar Wilde

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by: Cathy @ Sat Dec 17, 2011 at 21:11:30 PM UTC

thanks, Cathy (0.00 / 0)

though you and I haven't interacted much here, I've always respected your opinions, and the kind and thoughtful manner in which you express them.  

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

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by: puzzled @ Sat Dec 17, 2011 at 23:58:19 PM UTC

[ Parent ]

Thanks, Puzzled. (5.00 / 1)

Very kind words and it is mutual.

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live”--Oscar Wilde

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by: Cathy @ Sun Dec 18, 2011 at 01:00:01 AM UTC

[ Parent ]