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Scars

by: puzzled

Tue Dec 20, 2011 at 08:00:00 AM PST



padma lakshmi

Early in the book, Little Bee by Chris Cleave, the title character asks the reader:

[P]lease to agree with me that a scar is never ugly.  That is what scar makers want us to think.  But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them.  We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? That will be our secret.  Because, take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying.  A scar means, I survived.

Everyone carries scars, both corporeal and emotional.  For many of us, the external ones are fairly easy to hide.  We camouflage them with clothing or perhaps some artfully applied makeup, too insecure to expose our imperfections to the world.  We guard these secret flaws tightly and keep them hidden from all but those select few we allow to get past our defenses.

Others, more confident, wear their physical scars like Little Bee suggests-as badges of survival.  Daring those who stare to ask the question or avert their eyes in shame at their own voyeurism.  Of course, this kind of approach is probably easier to pull off if you look like Padma Lakshmi.


puzzled :: Scars
But even fewer of us are brave enough to put our emotional scars on display. Evidence of previous wounds--the thick, white lines that crisscross our psyches--are carefully overlaid with other forms of concealment.  A stoic manner, personal or professional success, whatever defense mechanisms we choose to employ all help us bury the scars deeper. As the years go by, they eventually become almost invisible to us as we go about our day-to-day existence.  We ignore them as relics of another time, confident we have distanced ourselves sufficiently from them that they no longer have the power to cause us pain.

We can maintain this illusion, deceiving even ourselves until an event or a person somehow catches us unaware; rips off the painstakingly built layers of protection, and exposes long-buried memories and vulnerabilities to the broad daylight of our consciousness.

There is some debate in the legal and psychological communities as to whether the phenomenon of recovered memory is valid.  Childhood abuse survivors, in particular, have been known to suppress memories of their trauma so deeply they are in complete conscious denial of the events until something triggers their recollection much later in life.

I have absolutely no doubt that burying bad memories beyond the reach of our conscious mind is not only possible, I think for many people it is a key survival mechanism.   The problem, of course, is how one moves forward after these memories re-surface.  Is it possible to exorcise decades-old demons to the point where we can agree with Little Bee that "we must see all scars as beauty...because...a scar means, we survived"?

I hope so.


Tags: A Personal Diary (All Tags)
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Scars | 11 comments
tip jar (11.00 / 8)
Guess I'm still in my weird, reflective mood place.

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

I have occasionally "threatened" (9.50 / 2)
to post a diary here with my own story, sans real names of course, which explains why I hold certain political positions or some of my foibles. I still haven't gotten up the nerve to do so but I am tempted.

It's not really a threat, but some scars you "never get over", even though some will use that line somewhat dismissively. Because of their nature, I have found that my scars have diminished minimally over the years, always present and ready to be exposed at a moments notice.

I am seriously considering writing it now since I am on break and have the time, more or less. Also your diary has made me think that perhaps others out there might be encouraged to get help by sharing their story with someone else.

Political Compass

Economic Left/Right: --8.38

Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: --7.64


I for one (5.00 / 1)
would very much like to read that diary.

And you are right, some wounds never really heal, life keeps picking at them, so they always seem ready to bleed afresh.

I hope you decide to share your story with us.

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;


[ Parent ]
Well, (11.00 / 1)
I think you'll see it soon since I have decided to write it. Look for it in the next couple of days.

Political Compass

Economic Left/Right: --8.38

Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: --7.64


[ Parent ]
not a lot to add (7.50 / 2)
But, want to say I agree with your conlusions and it's another topic you bring up recently that I find of interest.

Spotty online access for me for a few more days.

Recommended, Puzzled.

It's one of those topics where I feel I could write six paragraphs and say things that have been said better by others in two.  So, I'm going to restrain mysel.  

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live”--Oscar Wilde


f (8.00 / 2)
;)

(Funny thing about me and emoticons, I've only ever felt comfortable with the "wink".  I refuse to call it a "winkie" for obvious reasons.)

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live”--Oscar Wilde


[ Parent ]
Beautifully written puzzled (11.00 / 3)
I think vulnerability is such an interesting topic--especially how it can seem accepted and appreciated in some contexts and shunned in others.

While I think the topic of disclosure vs concealment is broader than the issue of false/recovered memory, for those who are interested two big names in that debate are Jennifer Freyd with  her 'betrayal trauma theory' and Elizabeth Loftus who did experiments on memory in the lab. Interesting stuff.  


absolutely (7.00 / 2)
I'm just (obviously) in a strange place these days, and it's amazing the stuff I had long forgotten that's come to the surface. Trying to figure out how to deal with things I thought I'd buried, trying to find a new balance between the strong persona I've cultivated for years and the weak, vulnerable one that keeps trying to re-emerge.

It's been a hell of a rollercoaster ride.

And putting this on the tooobs is even weirder for me.  It's like--it's bad enough I'm having all these feelings, now I'll just dump them out there.  I feel like I've gone from being a brick wall to a pane of glass.

I just dunno any more.

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;


[ Parent ]
Puzzled (10.00 / 2)
just think of yourself as a tree that bends without breaking to whatever storm comes your way.
You may be strong and vulnerable both. Strength does not preclude vulnerability nor sensitivity.

One of the hardest things to do is to integrate what society says are "opposite" qualities in the self. I know that just sounded like a quote from a psych text book, but it is based on my own experiences. A sensitive or vulnerable person can be one of the strongest persons others ever encounter in their lifetime. Some may even feel threatened by someone who has so integrated disparate qualities within themselves, but then that is their problem, isn't it?

I'll end with the true saying: "It does get better!"

Political Compass

Economic Left/Right: --8.38

Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: --7.64


[ Parent ]
I can relate (0.00 / 0)
I remember a few years back when I realized how I had walled myself off, and then became really open with a certain individual and was actually thinking in similar metaphors. I tend to be a bit more transparent now, but still find that I'm selective about when and with who I disclose certain things. And even in these situations, I think being open still carries a risk, but I have to weigh that against the price of being closed off and the benefits of really feeling connected.

I was just thinking, it might be interesting if you gave yourself a page limit and decided to write a narrative of the time (for yourself).


[ Parent ]
good idea dknow (10.00 / 2)
I communicated much of it by e-mail, including one that had the timeline leading up to my emotional breakdown/breakthrough.

Unfortunately, it's not the sort of thing I feel safe keeping on my computer, so I had to delete.

Had I been smart, I would have shared the e-mail with a neutral third party who could have kept it safe for me.  I have actually been communicating some of this with a former member of this site whom I trust give me perspective.

Yeah, I am usually very careful about disclosing stuff, hell, even to myself, but have let this one person get into my brain deeper than anyone's ever been, and as I described it in my timeline e-mail this feels like a cross between boot camp and psychoanalysis.

But damn it's an interesting ride.

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;


[ Parent ]
Scars | 11 comments

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